The Return of Schizophrenic Conversations

Posted by morynot on 11:53 PM on July 18, 2008.

"So why can't you talk to her about how you feel?" I asked him while I lit a cigarette. "I don't know. You know very well that I'm not good with this, right? And aren't you supposed to be helping me out?" He replied. I blew out a thick cloud of smoke before I started talking. We both stared at it as it fluttered upwards to join the rainy season air, and maybe at that moment we both realized that his mind was as cloudy as the smoke in front of us. "I'm trying to help you out here. I can't start doing so without knowing why you can't talk to her. You've been friends for how long?" "Let's clear our premises, dude. First off, is she really friends with me? Second, what do you think will she and HE do when I press this cute green button right here? Think about it."

Just then Tony arrived and took the cigarette from between my fingers and puffed it. I took it back from him and flicked the butt to let off burnt ash. "Is this about the rubber-plastic doll again? Geez, JR! When are you gonna stop? You're starting to sound like that fucktard who was in love for two years with a fat, ugly nigger in that flick... uhh... what's the title again?" he started. "Forty Year Old Virgin." I finished. "Yeah, that one. It's getting annoying. Even the only person who listens to you about it thinks so, too. Snap out of it! There are around four billion women in this planet; maybe more. Come on!" He said as he took my cigartte again.

***Music playing: That Green Gentleman - Panic at the Disco

JR mused: how come everbody's telling him to get over that girl, when he actually can't? He tried to; actually, he really did. Until recently when it everything came back and everything hurt more than it did before. Are they sympathetic or simply annoyed? He wondered if nobody would bring it up again when he stopped doing so. If nobody, not even him did so, what would be his outlet then?

***And everybody gets their, everybody gets their way

I crushed my cigarette when I saw the Marlboro written on the corn paper burning. I lifted my head up and looked at all directions. "Where is she?" I thought. "Waiting for anybody?" JR asked. "Yeah. We're supposed to meet Cess here, remember? I'm starving." I replied. "Then go get us some food. I think Kuya Noy's waiting for your order." Tony picked a cigarette from the pack on top of my bag and lit it. Just then Cess arrived. Tony, JR and I removed our headphones simultaneously, as if coreographed and smiled at her. "I'm sorry I'm late. You should eat." "We were waiting for you. Let's go." "I already ate, that's why I'm late." She replied. "Oh, Ok." Tony said. He stood up and walked over to Kuya Noy to get our day's worth of food.

A few hours later, after another informative class of Conceptual Photography, Cess, Nikki and some of their friends were hanging out in the 12th floor bathroom. I stood outside and started talking to JR again. "What are you thinking now?" I asked. "I'm wondering what she did to me. What kind of a friggin curse did she imbibe on me to keep me from feeling again? I mean, I thought I did two times after we broke up, but they turned out to be short-lived. Why in the world can't I feel the same again?" He said, appearing frustrated now. "Ely Miranda?" A voice from inside the bathroom called. I turned around and asked, "Did I just hear my name?" Cess was giggling while Nikki looked confused. She returned to what she was doing after I laughed a bit.

"It's pretty much not about what she did, bro. It's what you're doing. You're torturing yourself; you're preventing yourself. That's the way I see it. You're so devastated, frustrated, hurt and pained with your stupidifty that you won't even try again." I told him while I was walking towards the glass wall. I looked outside and saw the same cloud of smoke I saw this morning when I climbed the building. That cloud of smoke cost a lot of students and employees their attendance records.

Tony walked towards us again while staring at the white smoke fluttering in the afternoon wind. He placed his arm around JR's shoulders and said "Fire's still there. Or are they embers. I wonder if anybody's hurt."

JR couldn't help but sigh.

to read the past Schizophrenic Conversations, go to http://tonyrom.tabulas.com

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When I Found Your Multiply Site

Posted by morynot on 09:25 PM on June 29, 2008.

Nahanap
Kita
Nabuhayan
ng Diwa
Tuwa
Tuwa
Tuwa
Tuwa

Tingin, Pindot,
Tingin, Pnidot
Hindot
Hindot
Hindot
Hindot.

Litrato
Ligaya
Ngiti
Ulila
Luha
Luha
Luha
Luha

Katawan
Puso
Dating Yakap
Palagi
Ngayon
Iba'ng
May Ari
Hikbi
Hikbi
Hikbi
Hikbi

Pisnging
Basa
Isang guhit
tahak ng tubig
Pag-Ibig
Pag-ibig
Pag-Ibig
Pag-Ibig

Isang tagpo
Sa isang Kama
Sa may Guadalupe
"Libog Lang Yan"
Huli mong sinabe
Grabe
Grabe
Grabe
Grabe

=-=-=

Sumariwa
Ang lahat
Kumalat ang Pakla
Sa dila
at Natulala
Labinlimang Minuto
Kailan matututo?
Kailan matututo?
Kailan matututo?
Kailan matututo?

=-=-=

Tumama
Hindi ako ang kasama
Sa mga litratong
matagal ko na ding nakita
Maari bang humingi ng awa?
habang mayrong
Lawa
Lawa
Lawa
Lawa

Sa talukap ng mga mata


Muling gunita
ang tawag sa akin
nang huli kong marinig
Bebe
Bebe
Bebe
Bebe

Bebe Mahal na Mahal kita

Maririnig pa bang muli?
Ang tinig
Na nangungusap
sa akin
at hindi sa kanya
Pag asa?
Wala
Wala
Wala
Wala

=-=-=

Sumabay ang Hapon
sa pag-awit
na inilapat
sa maluksaing tugtugin
Limutin
Limutin
Limutin
Limutin

Tapusin.

Ngunit hindi ko mapangyari.

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Adik and Drugs Forever?

Posted by morynot on 02:28 AM on June 24, 2008.

Drugs: O, Kamusta?

Adik: Eto, maayos naman. Nagpupursigi sa aking pag-aaral, kahit na minsa'y nakatatamad nang pumasok. Ikaw, kamusta ka naman?

Drugs: Ito naman, masaya. Kumikita na ako ng sapat para sa aking kaluhuan, at nakapagsusukli na ako kahit paano sa aking mga magulang. Hindi mo maisasaisip kung gaanong kasaya si mommy nang bigyan ko s'ya ng relo noong kaarawan nya. Aba, dapat ay pag-igihin mo na ang iyong pag-aaral! Mag-li-limang taon ka na sa kolehiyo. Wag mo na sanang tularan ang mga kamaliang ginawa ko. O, bakit tila malungkot ka yata?

Adik: Paumanhin. Naalala ko lamang iyong mga panahon na kasama pa kita. Ganyang ganyan ka magkwento: maligalig, madamdamin; nakapangungulila lamang. Marahil ay tuwang tuwa ang bago mong kasintahan sa tuwing nagkukuwento ka sa kanya ng iyong mga danas.

Drugs: Nako naman, wag ka nang malungkot! Eto na nga't nagkukuwento ako sa'yo. Kay tagal din nating di nakapag-usap ng ganito, ano? Gaanong katagal na nga ba?

Adik: Magda-dalawang taon na, ilang araw mula ngayon. Ngunit parang kahapon lamang ng tayo'y mag-usap sa telepono-- naroroon ka sa bahay ng nobyo ng iyong kaibigan, tumatangis; nanginginig ang iyong boses habang ika'y nagpupumilit na ating ayusin ang maliit na problemang aking pinalaki. Muntikan na nga akong bumigay noon. Di ko matiis ang iyong pag-iyak. Ngunit sa kagustuhan kong kumawala ay nagkunwari akong malakas.

Drugs: Ilang minuto lamang yun, ano? Ilang minutong nakapagpabago sa takbo ng ating mga buhay. Bakit mo ba kasi ako gustong iwan noon?

Adik: Madaming bagay ang umiikot sa aking isipan noon. Buong akala ko'y nagsawa na ako sa palagian nating away; sa araw araw na bangayan na nauuwi din naman sa matamis na lambingan. Naging gawi na kasi natin iyon; at hindi na nakatutuwa ang mga nangyayari sapagkat walang bago. Yoon at yoon din sa araw araw.

Drugs: Sabi ko na nga ba e! Pinagtakhan din namin ng aking mga kaibigan kung bakit ka nagkaganoon. Hindi namin matanto ng tama, ngunit dumapo din ang kaisipang iyan sa amin. Subalit sa huli'y napagpasiyahan kong wag na lamang ituloy. Ayaw ko nang masaktan noong panahong iyon. Matapos ang ilang araw ay sinagip naman ako nitong aking sinta.

Adik: Tiempong tiempo nga naman siya, ano? Haha. Hindi ko naman na maibabalik ang kahapon. Sa huli'y naging masaya na din ako na nakikita kang masaya sa piling n'ya. Ang tanging luksa ko lamang ay hindi na ako ang nagpapangiti sa iyo, hindi na ako ang taong tinatakbuhan mo kapag ika'y may problema, hindi na ako ang nagpapatahan sa iyo sa tuwing ika'y umiiyak... Wala na ako sa iyo. Sa totoo nga'y kinamumuhian mo pa ako.

Drugs: Tama ka doon. Kinamumuhian ko ang iyong mga huling gawa bago tayo tuluyang hindi nag-usap. Kung paano mong tinrato ang aking bagong kasintahan noong kami'y bago pa lamang. Hindi naman lingid sa aming kaalaman na kami'y hindi magaling sa talastasan gamit ang ibang wika, ngunit hindi mo na sana kami inginudngod sa katotohonang--

Adik: Huwag na nating pag-usapan. Tanggap ko namang marami akong kamalian sa mga pangyayari. Hindi ko na maiaalis yun sapagkat nais kong mapaibig kang muli; na maipakita sa iyo na mali ang iyong pasya na sumama sa kanya. Subalit huli na ang lahat. Nabihag ka na niya sa kaniyang akit. Wala na akong magagawa. Muli'y sasabihin ko sa iyo: masaya ako na ika'y masaya sa piling niya.

Drugs: Salamat. Sana naman ay wag mo na kaming gambalain pa.

Adik: Matagal ko naman nang itinigil iyon.

Drugs: Kunsabagay. Ngunit may isa pa akong katanungan.

Adik: Ano iyon?

Drugs: Bakit hanggang ngayon ay iniibig mo pa rin ako?

Adik: Ah, isang katanungan na madaling sagutin. Mahal kita hanggang ngayon sapagkat----

Inay: Alas-onse na ng umaga! bumangon ka na nga riyan!

Adik and Drugs Forever

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I'd Rather Sleep Than Think of You.

Posted by morynot on 11:48 PM on June 18, 2008.

I'd rather sleep than think about you.

"I've been telling him the same thing for more than a year now. Everytime I do, he pretends to listen."
-Rowi Sarte.

I'd rather sleep than think about you.

"Gising na! Male-late ka na o! Anong oras ka nanaman ba kasi natulog kagabi?"
-My Mom.

I'd rather sleep than think about you.

"todo bonding na tlga kayo ni baboy ah[.] *pukes*"
-You.

I'd rather sleep than think about why you still hate me so much.

sa wakas, matapos ang ilang taon, naging malinaw din ang lahat!

minsan, may mga tao sa buhay natin na akala natin ay nakalimutan na tayo. kaya hindi na rin natin sila iniisip pa. tapos magugulat ka na lang, pag nagkita kayo o nagkausap bigla, marami pala silang gustong itanong. mga tanong na naiwan na lang sa buhangin ng kahapon. natabunan. at sa tinagal ng panahon, nais din pala nilang mabigyan ng linaw ang lahat. tulad natin.

at ngayon nabigyan na nga ng linaw ang lahat.

ang sarap sa pakiramdam. parang tinik na natanggal sa isipan. parang mabigat na bagaheng nawala sa katawan.

- Your Ex.

I'd rather sleep than think about the times we've shared.

"Adik and Drugs forever"
-Us.

I'd rather sleep than to ogle at that photo our friend took of us.

"Ambakla! pinky fingers pa pang-holding hands!"
-I now forget who.

I'd rather sleep than think if you still think of me.

"It's normal for everybody to think of somebody in their past, right?"
-I now forget who.

I'd rather sleep than think of 'what if?' scenarios.

"I would be the happiest guy in the world if she still loves me."
-Me.

4 Visualized

Daffy Duck

Posted by morynot on 02:39 AM on June 7, 2008.

I detest the claims that I am too obvious. I AM NOT. I didn't even say her name! For all we know I could've been in a parallel dimension at that moment so when I told the story yesterday, I actually wrote about the incidents that occured in the said dimension.

Aside from that, these entries are for all to see to lessen the guilt and obviousness serve the purpose of blogging.



Right now I'm clairvoyant: I forsee that I will be in an awkward situation within the next five days, or at exactly five days from now. I can also forsee that daffy duck will start to avoid even the slightest eye contact within a 500-meter radius-- or maybe I will.

Just when I thought that the day was going to end without me seeing her, I was saved.
I ended up turning around, leaving my friends for a few moments and saying "my day is complete!" outloud while walking towards the exit door.

Trust me, I'll keep it this way. No more than this.

I assume nobody would believe me. Not even me.

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